The art of hugging - acting

Just a quick one.

A few weeks ago I started an acting class, which has been super duper fun. I have been doing it at BRAVE STUDIOS, in Footscray. 

It’s kinda funny because late last year when I was doing the great Vic bike ride, bicycle network. On the last day, a person who I didn't know, simply asked me if I needed help when she saw me struggling to get my shoe off the cleat/trike, during the lunchtime break, we got chatting about the week ahead and I said I was being an extra in a film, inside. From there I mentioned that I wanted to get more into acting and well you can guess the rest.

Like I said it’s been super duper fun, we’ve learned the Alexandra technique modified for me. We've learned, that context is everything. Last week we played a really cool game called ‘a ding’ and after the ‘a ding’ game we did a more intimate thing, where we lined up opposite our partner, whom we didn't know that well. We were meant to stare at each other, while he put us through scenarios and phrases, it was so hard but so liberating at the same time, one of the best things I've ever done! All I can say is that my partner had one of the best smiles I've ever seen which didn't waver even when the scenarios had been horrible! Afterward, everyone gave each other a hug, which lifted my spirits after an average week.

We've also had homework. Surprisingly I’ve been doing it, LOL!

I’m looking forward to the next few weeks and if you're searching for a place to look into acting I would highly recommend BRAVE STUDIOS!

Midlife Crisis? not sure.

So in the past few months since I wrote the blog about how reality can have its ups and downs.

The main theme was panic attacks and that has died down, settled and I’ve been great in that aspect. However, I’ve been sometimes feeling not like myself, flat, and triggered, put very simply.

Usually with things I’ve said to someone in turn from there it goes into a spiral out of control format, with me thinking oooo shit did I say that the right way… 

I think it's time to go back to the doctor to get a referral and see if there is something we can formulate together with the psychologist and me, whoever that might be, yet to be determined.

It might be a midlife crisis, it might be the lul in my life after the historic win, it might be the crash, it might be the want in life… but I think it's time to get help to employ strategies. on this 

That was only a quick one but I think it’s important to express your feelings in some shape or form, if that way doesn't, try another, if you can't think of ideas, have a conversation with someone.

Below is a good clip to explain vulnerability.

The Relationship with Winning

Taking Decision-Making to the Extreme

A while ago there was a four-year-old ‘Zayn’ who had been drafted to the Arsenal pre-school academy -  Zayn pre-academy training.

In this video (it's 2:30 min) someone says ‘he’s better than everyone else’.  The question here is, is it correct to say this, yes he’s more talented but there are so many factors to this.  The decisions about the future for the kid are being made by others (with a vested interest).

Is it right that they've got a preschool academy and that they're taking ‘the cream of the crop’? 

I don't know much of the context, his upbringing, and/or the socio-economic status of the family

Zayn did say at the end of the video he felt older, compared to the other kids..But he's only four years old, does he really understand that statement? 

The question is:   who makes the decisions at that age? 

Surely it is the parents ….

Okay so if it's driven by his parents, what's their background, what's the reasoning, what's their vision, what's their intent?

I can certainly give you examples of extremely bad parenting, Jelena Dokic.  Her worst nightmare was her father but this was only after she picked up a tennis racquet at the age of 6. His attitude and behavior was disappointing, to say the least. She talks about this and her feelings in her books Unbreakable and Fearless

Yet she had a love for the sport throughout her career.

On the other hand, Andre Agassi was completely the opposite.  Though he played tennis starting at a young age, he HATED the sport, he says in his Autobiography, Open.  Andre’s mother said his father envisioned him being a tennis player long before he was in the crib.

Those are two emphasized examples where the parents made all the distinct decisions.

I don't know who's making the decision with or about Zayn, and/or the BBC report..

Interestingly enough,  I found this study that concluded the sporting repertoires most likely to ‘track’ into adult life (2016) are those that are built on early and sustained involvement in a breadth of different sports.

It makes me feel that for parents,  they really should let their kids explore the wide world of sports and hobbies.

As for Zayn, it makes me really want to have a chat with his parents.

Does non-competitive sport create better opportunities?

A Meta-anaylsis showed that if kids persisted in a sport they would get more enjoyment out of it. however, there were fundamental foundations to keep them on track. These were parental, coach, and peer support just to name a few.

Due to pressure do kids drop out of sports?

The real science of sport a South African-based podcast found data on young rugby players aged 13 to 18.  They found that there was a dropout from the sport of 76%. Furthermore, there was a dropout rate of 90% if you narrowed the margin to 13-16 years of age. One of their reasons for the dropout was due to their physiology and some of the kids not being fully developed. It is reiterated in this 2014 study the reasons these dropout rates occurred.  ‘Five major areas emerged: lack of enjoyment, perceptions of competence, social pressures, competing priorities and physical factors (maturation and injuries).’

The Sport Science podcast also mentions that in Sweden and Norway, they've made it non-competitive and in Norway, they have a 93% participation rate of kids in sport.

The idea of sport Sweden - a sporting nation  says this near the top of the pdf  “We are involved in non-profit sports clubs to have fun, feel good, and develop throughout life”

Have Scandinavian countries got it right?

So

Here’s a hypothetical situation:

If the kids/team know they are going to win by a large margin over the other team in ANY team sport, what happens to the losing team, do they become more resilient and bounce back? Or do they drop away out of the given sport….?

So my question to you is what age do you think competitive scoring should begin? 

Leave a comment below

There is certainly a level of healthy competitiveness which was illustrated in the Australian story about the golfing siblings Minjee and Min Woo Lee, which right at the start says that it’s very competitive between the two. 

The main themes were pressure and the siblings being yin and yang (introverted/extraverted, motivation) on the way they are driven and the fact that golf is such a mental game, trust me it has tested my patience many a time!

Again they were in single digits when they started playing golf and their Mum was a golf coach, I don't know anything else.

A yes or no question, if or when you've played golf, do you keep score?

The flip side

Jack Watts, a former AFL player (a team sport) sat down and had a conversation on The Imperfects  podcast. He said he had supportive/loving parents, a perfect childhood. His parents had different perspectives and ways of going about giving advice. Even so, what he felt and openly said is the amount of pressure, expectation and not wanting to let his parents or anyone else down was overwhelming.

Resilience to Losing

There is no current consensus on operational definitions of resilience. Is said by Comprehensive meta-analysis of resilience interventions researchers who wrote the study. 

So going back to the aforementioned title.. 

This is just food for thought and I know that at some point it has to become competitive to reach professional and/or Olympic level.  It's just where this line becomes clear…

Is financial winning the same as enjoyment?

A few weeks ago I read about the London Marathon in regards to the equal pay for people living with disabilities as opposed to people of non…

Madison de Rozario, the Australian two-time London Marathon winner said the move was a game changer for disability athletes. "We often say that sport is a mirror to society, but it can also be the starting point for much larger change and that's what the London Marathon is doing here," she said. (Read the full article on the ABC site here)

Now this is a phenomenal thing - way to go!

This could be a great initiative and incentive to get the younger generation into sport, which Madison also said. Being an Olympian, para or commonwealth athlete makes us feel ‘proud’ or so 79% say on Clearinghouse for sport.  I just found that interesting.

But, that's at the top end of the spectrum, what about the other end?

Only 24% of participants in sports live with a disability (18+), for further insight see Clear house PDF. 

What I really want to point out is: that between June ‘22 and June ‘23 the kids [from 0-14] who were more likely to participate in sport outside of school hours, came from a high-income family.   One of the barriers to participation is if ‘they live in a remote or regional area’. Click here to see insight.

One of the limitations is that they have no data for under 18 people who live with a disability. In my mind if we don't have it, get onto it!

Also, I wonder If the NDIS has better outcomes for participation rates..?

Tiger Woods is an athlete in his given sport. In my mind the best golfer ever to walk the earth… or is he? I reckon his son Charlie ‘will’ give him a run for his money, literally! 

This is an interesting short interview with Tiger on Charlie’s competitiveness and his enjoyment of the sport. What I'm intrigued by is whether is Charlie following in the family's footsteps voluntarily or is he being pushed? Tiger was doing all the TV/game shows at the age of 5.   His father (Earl) says they participated (click here to see) in anything that Tiger wanted to participate in . 

NB there is a book by  Tom Callahan that I have not listened to which apparently goes into depth about the relationship between Tiger and Earl. If you've read it, let me know what you thought of the book.

The question for me is, “Who is the real winner here?”   These extreme parents whose morals and motives can be questioned or the young participant/s?  Which brings me back to the very beginning of this blog regarding Zayn. 

My winning mentality ……….

Recently I was in a competitive Myzone challenge in the gym, Paramount HFC. So I'll quickly explain a myzone.  It's a heart rate monitor that sits around your chest and is connected to an app on your phone. In the app, it tells you the intensity at which you are working and it has a scale called MEPs (metabolic equivalent points that range between grey (50%) to red. Okay so now you've got the gist.

I won the challenge and absolutely cooked myself in the process over the 5 weeks, still, I’m here to write this blog, that was one of the many reasons I wanted to win. I also wanted to emphasize that the biggest thing was time, putting in the time even as a person living with a disability and having impairments doesn't rule me and or anyone else out. Intrinsic self-motivation, that what I feel is all you need.

I also want to illustrate that competitiveness can be fun even when there are no incentives to win, it was just fun active participation, challenging the inner self, then there's the social aspect, the banter and the fact that some in the gym said ‘you won't win’ fueled me even more.  I like that, that’s how I did Kokoda, people said I couldn't do it, so I went and did it. There was no prize money, not what I cared about.  Just the pride of self-achievement and participation. 

What is the real winning

Enjoyment versus all those lots and lots of factors in Competitiveness. Whether it be wealth, parental guidance, pressure, or glory, is it really healthy or can we find a better more equal solution. 

Maybe we’ve got to all be like Brian Nankervis on RockWiz.  Run it down to the last question regardless whose WINNING and just have fun!

The reality that life will be forever changing.

The crash

I’d just turned on the GoPro which was attached just above where I was sitting, riding on my recumbent trike. Five seconds later  I heard this screech, what I thought was tires. I was still thinking about what it was when the impact occurred. I blacked out for around 15-20 seconds, I might not have actually blacked out, it could have been my mind was blocking the crunch out. When I regained my senses, I was lying on the ground, on my side, unmoving, motionless. I heard Mum get out of the van yelling ‘you bloody idiot’ to the driver who’d just hit me. He at least had pulled over and stopped. I made feeble grunts of pain, and I heard footsteps as everyone was racing over to me, literally everyone! Mum was the first one there saying ‘Tommy, Tommy…’ 

In the space of one to possibly two minutes, 4 people were on the blower calling triple 000 and everyone was crowding around me…. That fact I knew, however it was all really a blur. 

A few more facts that I could tell you in a skewed timeline is, that Mum couldn't hold the phone, dial and talk to 000 because she was too shaken up. 

Another fact, was when I was lying there, traumatized, helpless, and in enormous pain, the one word I was saying to myself in my head was ‘breathe’, that worked well, to be frank, it kept me sound, present, there… until I heard Steve’s voice.   This was the bloke who had just hit me, and that snapped me out of that breathing routine. Next thing I knew we were trying to help reassure this bloke that it was okay, he had literally collapsed on the ground and was having a meltdown then and there. That was the last time I saw Steve. 

To answer the question before you ask, yes, they've issued a warrant for his arrest because the third time when he was meant to appear in court, he never showed up… For me I want closure.  More than anything, I want him to face up to what he's done. I know and understand he stopped so that’s something.  We were told he tested positive for drugs and was unlicensed at the time of the crash.  He hasn't shown up yet, and it's been two years. Disappointing to say the least.

My most vivid memory is of the expression on Steve's pregnant girlfriend/wife’s face.  The expression was nothing, absolutely nothing, it was as if to say, ‘your point is?’ Now there might have been a different point of view in play, a different story or context but at the time when I looked up and saw her expression, it pissed me off more than anything, it seemed she didn't care about me or Steve…

 The rest of it was a big blur, all I remember from then on are snapshots of images, for two reasons. 

 A:  because I'm a visual person and

 B: because I had maxed out on the fentanyl dosage -  it was at least a fun chopper ride.

I do remember Dale, a great bloke! We managed to catch up on the last leg of the journey.

Lying there in bed

In the hospital, there were a few things I can remember but a lot I can't. For one, when I made it to the destination, Royal Adelaide Hospital, I was greeted by a doctor, she was lovely and up for a kind warm chat. She told me (I think it was her, hazy again) that they’d do some X-rays and operate the next day 18/11/21. 

I distinctly remember when they were doing the X-rays, one of the radiologists was like ‘were you hit on the upper part of your back?” I said ‘no’ then he went on 'Have you ever injured your back’ Again no was my answer, then he said ‘have you ever had falls?” I was like, instantaneously ‘all the bloody TIME’!

Channel Nine and ABC both came in to see and interview me. At the time you've got to remember, I was pretty high in the clouds so you can understand that when I said “I’ll be back” I hadn't grasped the gravity of the situation… still it did spur me on for some period of time.

The rehab was stock standard apart from the fiery torch-like shooting pain that I'd get from the surgeons having to realign my displaced pelvis and my hamstring, everything else was dandy. 

The mental rehab however was a different story and took some time to sink in. My first experience of PTSD was when I froze in the middle of a driveway… I was riding in my electric wheelchair, there was a car backing out of the driveway…. I was a sitting duck.  It wasn't till later on when I had reached my destination, that I essentially lost my shit, not wanting to ever get back on the trike, not do the ride, give up.

Who you gel with

From there my advice to myself as well as the advice from others (parents, friends, and doctor) was to seek help and see a psychologist, which I did. We talked about the crash but that wasn’t really the main issue because I didn’t actually see it, didn’t see the moment of impact. We tried EDRM but I felt like that was pointless, I tried to concentrate on the crash but I couldn’t, my mind tended to wander. So we parted ways, just wasn’t for me.

Side note: from observation, my dad thought I was getting more frustrated and angry after the crash and the rehab and I’d agree with that. Also during the remainder of the ride, these emotions were very evident.

This anger issue eventually started to abate after I got chatting with a close friend of mine. My emotions flowed, a good release of tension. Now that didn’t solve every problem but it helped a lot.

Encounters

I took a look at the Go Pro footage. Too soon, way too soon.  That was when the first trigger sign was unearthed. Immediately I was disoriented and I exited straight away from the GoPro Quik app…

It was pretty tame for a while until I got back on the bike and traveled up the east coast.

My first serious panic attack was when I was somewhere in QLD.  I thought that I was having a heart attack… I wasn't, I controlled it through my breathing, concentrating hard on that. I did call the support crew on the two-way and explained the situation.

Another major, similar event was when we made the mistake of revisiting the location (Greenoch) of where the crash occurred. This was just before the start of the final leg. We were driving past the spot, and again, same feeling, everything so distant so warped. Still we’ve completed the journey.

After Effects

It’s funny after the ride, I've had a lot more panic attacks, can't explain it. What I'm going to do is get an ECG and a full check-up on my heart for reassurance, I'm sure it’s fine.  If I get the all-clear I'll go to see a psychologist specifically about why I might be having them. To me there is no reason why I’m having them, I mean I've done the ride, what's there to be scared of? 

The most common place and time for me to have these episodes is in the gym, before a workout.

What does one of my panic attacks look like?  The big kicker for me is DEREALISATION… ever heard of it? I hadn't until I did a bit of research, and sure enough, it fits the description, here are the symptoms.

• Distorted perception of time, space, and size of things around you

• Feeling of unreality from the world around you, as if in a dream or trance

• Feeling like everything is foggy, fuzzy, or warped

• Sense of being disconnected from those around you as if you’re trapped in a bubble

• Thoughts of going crazy or being very ill

https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/derealization/

The one thing I would say is my description would be slightly different. I start by getting a racing heart for no reason at all, stock standard if you have panic attacks, LOL! Then I seem to feel like I'm shifting my central point (where your eyes are) to looking in on your eyes as if to be sitting, nestled in your brain looking at your eyes, observing them…. I agree with the dimension sizing cause it seems to me the whole world outside my eyes is smaller.

So what am I getting at? What am I trying to tell you? What am I trying to convey?

Well firstly, my best strategy, trick, what works for me is breathing. Slow and controlled when situations arise. I’m not saying that it'll work for everyone but that’s what works for me. 

Learn your tricks, your arts.

Don’t be afraid to seek help, from psychologists and counselors (they might have the tools you need) or friends and or family. For me, I work best with close friends, someone who can simply listen, they don't need to resolve my conflicts in my head, they just need to be there to listen.

It all starts with conversation, if you don't have a conversation you'll never say anything, if you don't say anything, you'll keep it all in your head, ALL LOCKED UP.

That was a story, that’s why it was on the site, and that's why I thought it was important to tell.

P.S. Interesting note, since writing this blog about derealisation I haven't been having the episodes pretty much at all. Maybe verbally expressing your feelings and thoughts has the truth about it. Then again, I've been on a holiday down at Port Fairy and have not been in the gym!

Am I really your inspiration?

Prejudgements: if you haven’t read the last blog, don’t read that one, read this one first. Why do you ask “Read this over that?”  Because it will give you context and perspective.

What is the definition of Ableism? 

I’m not going to rewrite the definition, it’s all here, there is no point in doing this. I feel you will get a better understanding by reading on.

Urban Dictionary: “Ableism is the discrimination or prejudice against people who have disabilities. Ableism can take the form of ideas and assumptions, stereotypes, attitudes and practices, physical barriers in the environment, or larger-scale oppression. It is oftentimes unintentional and most people are completely unaware of the impact of their words or actions.”

Examples of ableism

• Examples of ableism range from blatant hostility and aggression to less obvious everyday interactions. Some examples of these include:

• asking someone what is “wrong” with them

• viewing a person with a disability as inspirational for doing typical things, such as having a career

  On a larger scale, some examples of ableism include:

• Ableist language: There are many examples of ableism in everyday language. Terms such as “dumb” and “lame” were originally used to describe disabilities, but today, people use them as synonyms for “stupid” or “bad.” People also misuse words in a way that trivializes conditions. For example, a person may say, “I am so OCD.”

• Inaccessible design: Designing buildings, public spaces, products, and technology that only caters to nondisabled people is an example of ableism. This includes websites that have no text enlargement feature, buildings that have no ramp for wheelchairs, and sidewalks with obstacles that make walking more difficult.

• Education discrimination: Schools refusing to make disability accommodations, failing to understand a disability, or trying to “teach” a child not to have their impairment are all examples of ableism in education. For example, a teacher might punish a child for their dyslexia rather than adapt how they teach.

• Employment discrimination: Employers may be biased against those with disabilities, believing they make less productive workers. They may also refuse disability accommodations to existing employees or allow workplace bullying to go unpunished.

What am I getting at with all these definitions/examples, you were getting a little bit sick of the repetition weren’t you…?

On this site, the title is that way for a reason. Here’s why.

I’ve been speaking about my experiences for almost a decade and yet it always has been around what I’ve done like kokoda or the4points.org ride around Australia. 

I was also speaking while traveling, riding, talking to audiences, or having conversations in the caravans or pubs. I was talking about stroke, raising funds for the stroke foundation, and promoting inclusion by getting people to ride with me. A common theme during a conversation with people was ‘You’re such an inspiration’ or something similar, now that’s fine I don’t mind that. What I did mind was whether they’d said those words before or after I’d said MY words, CONTEXT is everything!

You need to get the story before peppering that word ‘INSPIRATION’, that is objectifying, infantilising.

This is a point of view from someone who shares his story with an audience to highlight that Stroke can happen at any age or getting the message of inclusion out there, it was all for the cause.

Whereas talking to a person living with a disability or a disabled person (depending how the individual prefers), think first, hear from their experiences, get their context, IF they want to tell it.

Personally, I’d much prefer a chat around nothing in particular, human to human an actual, meaningful conversation. the conversation around the person’s impairments might just come up in NATURAL conversation, shocking I know. 

I’ll leave you with this, my take, don’t assume, don’t assume the person can’t do something, bring an open mind.

Ask for the context in the right time, and place, naturally.

P.S. For your interest.