The reality that life will be forever changing.
The crash
I’d just turned on the GoPro which was attached just above where I was sitting, riding on my recumbent trike. Five seconds later I heard this screech, what I thought was tires. I was still thinking about what it was when the impact occurred. I blacked out for around 15-20 seconds, I might not have actually blacked out, it could have been my mind was blocking the crunch out. When I regained my senses, I was lying on the ground, on my side, unmoving, motionless. I heard Mum get out of the van yelling ‘you bloody idiot’ to the driver who’d just hit me. He at least had pulled over and stopped. I made feeble grunts of pain, and I heard footsteps as everyone was racing over to me, literally everyone! Mum was the first one there saying ‘Tommy, Tommy…’
In the space of one to possibly two minutes, 4 people were on the blower calling triple 000 and everyone was crowding around me…. That fact I knew, however it was all really a blur.
A few more facts that I could tell you in a skewed timeline is, that Mum couldn't hold the phone, dial and talk to 000 because she was too shaken up.
Another fact, was when I was lying there, traumatized, helpless, and in enormous pain, the one word I was saying to myself in my head was ‘breathe’, that worked well, to be frank, it kept me sound, present, there… until I heard Steve’s voice. This was the bloke who had just hit me, and that snapped me out of that breathing routine. Next thing I knew we were trying to help reassure this bloke that it was okay, he had literally collapsed on the ground and was having a meltdown then and there. That was the last time I saw Steve.
To answer the question before you ask, yes, they've issued a warrant for his arrest because the third time when he was meant to appear in court, he never showed up… For me I want closure. More than anything, I want him to face up to what he's done. I know and understand he stopped so that’s something. We were told he tested positive for drugs and was unlicensed at the time of the crash. He hasn't shown up yet, and it's been two years. Disappointing to say the least.
My most vivid memory is of the expression on Steve's pregnant girlfriend/wife’s face. The expression was nothing, absolutely nothing, it was as if to say, ‘your point is?’ Now there might have been a different point of view in play, a different story or context but at the time when I looked up and saw her expression, it pissed me off more than anything, it seemed she didn't care about me or Steve…
The rest of it was a big blur, all I remember from then on are snapshots of images, for two reasons.
A: because I'm a visual person and
B: because I had maxed out on the fentanyl dosage - it was at least a fun chopper ride.
I do remember Dale, a great bloke! We managed to catch up on the last leg of the journey.
Lying there in bed
In the hospital, there were a few things I can remember but a lot I can't. For one, when I made it to the destination, Royal Adelaide Hospital, I was greeted by a doctor, she was lovely and up for a kind warm chat. She told me (I think it was her, hazy again) that they’d do some X-rays and operate the next day 18/11/21.
I distinctly remember when they were doing the X-rays, one of the radiologists was like ‘were you hit on the upper part of your back?” I said ‘no’ then he went on 'Have you ever injured your back’ Again no was my answer, then he said ‘have you ever had falls?” I was like, instantaneously ‘all the bloody TIME’!
Channel Nine and ABC both came in to see and interview me. At the time you've got to remember, I was pretty high in the clouds so you can understand that when I said “I’ll be back” I hadn't grasped the gravity of the situation… still it did spur me on for some period of time.
The rehab was stock standard apart from the fiery torch-like shooting pain that I'd get from the surgeons having to realign my displaced pelvis and my hamstring, everything else was dandy.
The mental rehab however was a different story and took some time to sink in. My first experience of PTSD was when I froze in the middle of a driveway… I was riding in my electric wheelchair, there was a car backing out of the driveway…. I was a sitting duck. It wasn't till later on when I had reached my destination, that I essentially lost my shit, not wanting to ever get back on the trike, not do the ride, give up.
Who you gel with
From there my advice to myself as well as the advice from others (parents, friends, and doctor) was to seek help and see a psychologist, which I did. We talked about the crash but that wasn’t really the main issue because I didn’t actually see it, didn’t see the moment of impact. We tried EDRM but I felt like that was pointless, I tried to concentrate on the crash but I couldn’t, my mind tended to wander. So we parted ways, just wasn’t for me.
Side note: from observation, my dad thought I was getting more frustrated and angry after the crash and the rehab and I’d agree with that. Also during the remainder of the ride, these emotions were very evident.
This anger issue eventually started to abate after I got chatting with a close friend of mine. My emotions flowed, a good release of tension. Now that didn’t solve every problem but it helped a lot.
Encounters
I took a look at the Go Pro footage. Too soon, way too soon. That was when the first trigger sign was unearthed. Immediately I was disoriented and I exited straight away from the GoPro Quik app…
It was pretty tame for a while until I got back on the bike and traveled up the east coast.
My first serious panic attack was when I was somewhere in QLD. I thought that I was having a heart attack… I wasn't, I controlled it through my breathing, concentrating hard on that. I did call the support crew on the two-way and explained the situation.
Another major, similar event was when we made the mistake of revisiting the location (Greenoch) of where the crash occurred. This was just before the start of the final leg. We were driving past the spot, and again, same feeling, everything so distant so warped. Still we’ve completed the journey.
After Effects
It’s funny after the ride, I've had a lot more panic attacks, can't explain it. What I'm going to do is get an ECG and a full check-up on my heart for reassurance, I'm sure it’s fine. If I get the all-clear I'll go to see a psychologist specifically about why I might be having them. To me there is no reason why I’m having them, I mean I've done the ride, what's there to be scared of?
The most common place and time for me to have these episodes is in the gym, before a workout.
What does one of my panic attacks look like? The big kicker for me is DEREALISATION… ever heard of it? I hadn't until I did a bit of research, and sure enough, it fits the description, here are the symptoms.
Distorted perception of time, space, and size of things around you
Feeling of unreality from the world around you, as if in a dream or trance
Feeling like everything is foggy, fuzzy, or warped
Sense of being disconnected from those around you as if you’re trapped in a bubble
Thoughts of going crazy or being very ill
https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/derealization/
The one thing I would say is my description would be slightly different. I start by getting a racing heart for no reason at all, stock standard if you have panic attacks, LOL! Then I seem to feel like I'm shifting my central point (where your eyes are) to looking in on your eyes as if to be sitting, nestled in your brain looking at your eyes, observing them…. I agree with the dimension sizing cause it seems to me the whole world outside my eyes is smaller.
So what am I getting at? What am I trying to tell you? What am I trying to convey?
Well firstly, my best strategy, trick, what works for me is breathing. Slow and controlled when situations arise. I’m not saying that it'll work for everyone but that’s what works for me.
Learn your tricks, your arts.
Don’t be afraid to seek help, from psychologists and counselors (they might have the tools you need) or friends and or family. For me, I work best with close friends, someone who can simply listen, they don't need to resolve my conflicts in my head, they just need to be there to listen.
It all starts with conversation, if you don't have a conversation you'll never say anything, if you don't say anything, you'll keep it all in your head, ALL LOCKED UP.
That was a story, that’s why it was on the site, and that's why I thought it was important to tell.
P.S. Interesting note, since writing this blog about derealisation I haven't been having the episodes pretty much at all. Maybe verbally expressing your feelings and thoughts has the truth about it. Then again, I've been on a holiday down at Port Fairy and have not been in the gym!
